New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
