I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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