I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
