Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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