Just took my morning after pill in the library
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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