Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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