I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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