So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
