remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
