just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
