I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
