i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
