you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
