so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
