i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
