Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
