too bad you live with your parents still
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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