They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Holy shit dude........stairs
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
