My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm both gender and math confused
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
