My hand turned me down
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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