I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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