Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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