They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
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i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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