You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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