Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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