oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
