I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
