I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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