i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
