You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
