just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
