I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
