Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
