too bad you live with your parents still
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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