and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
