I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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