tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
