Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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