I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
