Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
