your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
