Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
