Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
