I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
