my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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