eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
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I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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