I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
