But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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