someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
