I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
