btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
