our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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