i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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