So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
