yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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