that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
