I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
