It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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