all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
